Growth

It’s Monday. The morning was peppered with little annoyances and disappointments – spotty wifi, a cancelled meeting, missed connections, unreturned emails. The intense energy of last night’s full (super!)moon coupled with Mercury in retrograde seem to add an extra edge of anxiety. Overall, I’m feeling fuzzy, out of sorts. Unclear. Unbalanced. It feels like there is so much to do, and yet I’m experiencing multiple stops and starts, wondering if I need to go back to the drawing board with some things. Cleaning usually helps, but sweeping and mopping didn’t quite shake the funk. Neither did yoga, although I’m glad I pushed through even for five minutes.

I could use a do-over.

It’s one of those days where I recognize that there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. Everything all at once. Worries and doubts bubble to the surface, and uncertainty is looming. What if?…

Today I’m feeling sensitive, insecure. In the past I probably would have forced myself to be “productive”, to do something to make myself feel better, to create a sense of accomplishment and control. Right now I feel, in my bones, that the opposite is necessary. I feel the need to be nicer to myself, to ease up and back off a little. Today is not a day for perfectionism or forcing things. It is a day to slow down and be gentle.

The fact that I am accepting this – all of it – and not mentally beating myself up or working my mind into a frenzy is evidence of growth. Somewhere along the way I learned how to take better care of myself, and today it is less of a struggle. I take this as a positive sign that, in the grand scheme of things in my world, things are okay.

A few weeks ago I got a spinach plant from a seed exchange at the art gallery up the road. I almost didn’t leave with any seeds that day, but the gallery owner insisted with such kindness and generosity that I felt like I had to take something. I never grew anything and had been known to kill houseplants, so I was not hopeful that the spinach would survive. But I noticed today that it continues to sprout, and as I peered at the plant in my kitchen window I felt really good about that.

One small thing.

I’ll take it.

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