In these first few days of the new year, as I’ve been
recovering from reflecting on 2015 and all that it was, I’ve been thinking a lot about my vision for 2016. For many years on New Year’s Eve, my girlfriends and I did a ritual where we wrote down what we wanted to release from the year past, burned the list, and wrote a list of what we wanted to manifest in the new year. It was a powerful ritual that made us witnesses to each other’s journeys and dreams. This year I find myself having a quiet approach to envisioning – settling back into my body after weeks of celebrating, writing in my journal, and being open to what comes up. I’m finding a space for actively setting intentions, while also allowing my intuition to bring insights into my awareness.
While I’m not declaring any resolutions, there are some commitments I’m making to myself this year. I want to write more, develop my yoga practice, and take more risks with my art. I want to extend my work as a therapist and facilitator of healing. I want to become a Belizean resident and be more peacefully grounded in my home. Above all, I want to build on the good things in my life and what I have created. Last year presented many challenges, as well as opportunities to plant seeds. I know that I grew from that process, from facing my fears and doubts and pushing through. Some things didn’t come all the way together, but I really began trusting myself more and understanding what it means to commit myself and be accountable.
I know that this year, like the last, will bring many changes. I also know that, like my move to Belize, the things that I want to manifest in my life will require growth and uncomfortable changes in myself. That’s the thing that comes up in my life over and over again – even though it’s for the good, growth can be painful. It brings my attention to things about myself that I don’t like to look at. It makes me aware of the ways that I have retreated to a victim role when I am challenged, how insecure I can be, how after everything I’ve been through I still struggle with believing in myself and not apologizing for existing. Getting real with those difficult truths about myself made me see how strong and resilient I am. It made me appreciate my beauty and wisdom and cultivate self-worth. It made me even more aware of my fucking fabulousness.
As I enter this next phase of my life, I want to move forward and face challenges with clarity and equanimity. The theme I’m choosing for myself this year is presence. I want to be as honest and authentic as I can be about who I am and what I want, in every aspect of my life. I want to engage openly and honestly in my relationships. There will be wonderful experiences and there will be difficult ones, and I want to be fully present for all of it.
I’ve proven to myself, time and time again, that I can delve deep into the shadow and come out okay, sometimes even better than I was before. There will be rough patches. I am learning to let go of what that – life – is supposed to look like and just get into what’s happening. I may not look cute doing it. My shrink once said that nothing worth doing is done gracefully. It took a while for me to really understand what he meant. I know now that it’s about love. Love is seeing ourselves, and each other, for who we really are. Love is embracing the difficult with an open heart. Love is kissing the rough patch.