Here, There & A Pause

photo by Jamaul Roots

It’s very fitting that I’ll be visiting New York during Mercury retrograde.

I’m really unprepared for the cold. Like, completely unprepared. I’ve been living in flip-flops and sandals, occasionally covering my feet with some raggedy flat canvas slip-ons. I have one pair of jeans and three pairs of socks, one pair which I’ll have to put on with said slip-ons during my layover in the States, which means I’ll be looking good and fierce when I arrive.

And apparently it’s going to snow this weekend.

Still, I am super excited about my visit. Belize is home; it’s where I live and where I am currently grounding myself. But New York. New York is home simply because so many people I love reside there. I don’t miss the city, but I miss my folks.

For a while I was resistant to still call New York home. Part of the reason I left was because I felt so disconnected from the city I grew up in, the city I loved for so many reasons. Having some distance reminded me that I can feel at home in a lot of places, especially as the changes happening so rapidly shifted the landscape of my attachment, and with it my sense of belonging. At the bottom of all of that was a desire to experience myself in a more expansive way, to extend the reach of my story beyond just what surrounded me. A desire to know myself outside of what was so familiar.

At the same time, living in Belize and navigating its challenges and wonders have made me understand that my heart resides in both places, simply because there is meaning both here and there. Building my life here with Ro, being reunited with Jamaul, and making new friends have made me appreciate what is still there for me in New York. And I’m looking forward to reconnecting with that, not the old haunts and memories as much as the people I still hold so closely in my heart. Home is where I find myself, where I feel whole and loved and understood. I am grateful to be able to return to a place where there is still space for me to be me.

I’m looking forward to being back in my hometown and seeing so many beloved faces. I’ll be taking a pause from posting for a couple of weeks while I spend time with family and friends, and satisfy some food and cocktail cravings. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to reflect on when I return. See you then.

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