May has been an interesting month. The destabilizing energy of Mercury retrograde combined with the new moon in Taurus, with its emphasis on grounding and connecting with resources, was a bit of a doozy. I found myself vacillating between wanting to slow down and push forward, holding on and wanting to release. It’s been uncomfortable and difficult at times. Nothing went as planned. I’m ending the month in a different place from where I started. I kinda feel like I’ve been through it.
I’ve really had to manage my expectations. There were things I put into place in April, decisions and moves I made, that I just knew were going to manifest in May. They didn’t. All of these things also happened to be related to my security and stability – money, work and home matters. Dealing with the delays, frustrations and foolishness made me realize how much I was struggling with not being in control.
I’ve been in Belize for almost a year now and while some things have gotten easier, others have not. Building a life here is an ongoing process, full of ups and downs. When things are going like I want them to, it’s way easier to feel positive about the progress and plans I’ve made. And when things don’t go according to plan (which was a lot this month), it really throws me.
I have a practice which grounds and restores me, one I’ve been cultivating over the years and which has sustained me in difficult times. Still, it isn’t an escape from what’s happening. If anything, it clarifies what I’m dealing with and what issues are coming up. My practice reflects my struggle. It’s wobbly arms in downward dog and impatience with myself for not being able to get into a tough pose that was effortless a few days ago. It’s putting Reiki hands on my body and feeling where my energy is stuck and my breath shallow. It’s pulling a tarot card when I want an answer and the card says, Girl. It is what it is. Get into it.
Moving into a new month and easing into the energy of this upcoming new moon, I know that I need to bring my awareness to the struggle and work on releasing. I know that I can trick my mind into believing that I am in control, that I should be, even when so many signs point to the fact that I’m just not. I know that grounding in my practice and paying attention to my thoughts remind me of the power of being present with what is happening. That being present in the moment is what allows me to be empowered, to make a choice, to engage my own process. I know that I am not in control and that is okay. That freedom from the struggle means releasing the rope that I think I’m at the end of.