Winging It

Santa Elena view

I admit, I haven’t been making space lately for this blog in the way that I’d like. A weird thing happens as the weeks go by and I haven’t posted, and then suddenly it feels like it’s been so long and then I think my next post has to be epic to make up for lost time.

But anyway. 

The truth is I’ve been busy. Not “super exciting, doing awesome, fun things” busy. More like “mundane, day-to-day, making a living and a life” kinda busy. For the past couple of months I’ve been working on a psychosocial support training I’m facilitating with PETAL, which means I’ve been spending a huge amount of time researching, writing and developing curriculum. I’ve done several days of the training and am building relationships with the folks I’m working with, who seem to be grateful for what I’m sharing with them. Not glamorous, but really satisfying. And a huge amount of work. It’s taken up so much space. I’m not complaining – I chose to do this project. At the same time, a lot of my mental and emotional energy has been directed toward the training, which means less of that has been focused on writing for my website and this blog.

Now it’s time to shift gears. After weeks of being in a pragmatic, research-oriented head space, I’m turning my attention this week to the creative process again. Naked Layers – the film project I’ve developed for five years with my creative partner Novel Idea – is being exhibited as part of a group show of women artists at the Garner Arts Festival in New York this weekend. I’m thrilled and excited, though bummed that I wasn’t able to swing a trip to NYC for the exhibition. Still, this marks a huge leap for us with this project, which has been a true labor of love. As I work remotely with Novel on pulling together the different elements for the multimedia exhibit, I am so incredibly proud of us and this work.

Life is very full right now. If I am completely honest, I feel like I’m winging it. All of it. Figuring it out as I go. Which, if I’m real about it, I’ve always been doing because life. And for the first time in a long while, that feels okay. Better than okay. It feels great.

These past couple of months have flown by, it seems. At the same time, they’ve been incredibly full of movement, growth and a few hard lessons. I haven’t felt totally in control and rather than resist that, I’ve been leaning into it. So much of my life feels in transition now, and I’m reminded all the time how building a life abroad is a constant state of change. Just when things start to feel settled, they come undone and it’s time to adjust. For a long time since moving here, I thought I was doing it all wrong, that I was supposed to be achieving a state of stability and security I didn’t have when I was living in the States. The thing is, I left New York to discover a different way of living, a way of existing which didn’t tie me down to the personality and streets and jobs that I’ve always known. Committing to that means being open to the process – allowing it to be a process and accepting the flow of things, even if I don’t know the next step. And as messy as things sometimes often are, I feel really good about what’s happening in my life right now and what I’m creating.

I’m also really missing folks. Friends, family. I’m feeling the distance between us and the separation is palpable. Lately I’ve been missing the regular stuff I used to do with people – brunches and happy hours, birthday drinks, after-work hangs. The day-to-day social connection which made the mundane magical. As much as I feel grounded here and part of a growing community, it isn’t the same.

And so I need to make space for that too. For more texts, more calls, more Facetime. And plan my next visit. Just like with everything else in life, I must make space for what’s important, what I long for, what I need to keep going.


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